I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
