Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
