Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
