I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Randomize
