Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
