I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He uses pillows to masturbate.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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