I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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