cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
