My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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