i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
