I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
