She is in my trunk
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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