well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
