My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
