I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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