I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
