The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
