put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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