I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
