i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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