I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
