she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
