It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize