I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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