My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
