i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
