how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
