My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She's like a pop up book from hell.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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