Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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