OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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