hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
