Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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