MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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