the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
