I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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