guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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