drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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