the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
