I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
