I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We are all done wearing pants today
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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