Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
