So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
