he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
