I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
