Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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