I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So vagazzling was a success
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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