went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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