the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
