he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
