Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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