I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
