I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize