Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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