I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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