the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Girls should come with a carfax report
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
