Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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