Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
