Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
