somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize