i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm bleeding and have questions
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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