When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
